It occurred to me last night, I should share part of Chapter 13, the reason, you might not realize that from the novel, Fishing for Light, I wrote about the moment Professor Quan solved, erectile dysfunction. I know, I know, sex sells! And there are a zillion ‘boner-pill’ television commercials. Sorry, the fact they are on the flat screen every 3 minutes, and the voice over actors calming voice with actors that appear to longingly grin at each other with plastic faces, simply stated, they give me the ‘creeps’. But they could give Professor Quan some credit, I mean he solved the medical condition all the way back in the 1960’s!
Warning: TMI alert! In my other professional career, I do know about an “erection that might last more than 4 hours.” I had a malpractice claim, I’ll not share the ugly details, but the medical term is ‘priapism’. And to my twisted mind, and entertainment, the word comes from mythology, the Greek god – Priapus.
Thus the below excerpt from Fishing for Light~ If you want to find out what he does with his discovery, you’ll need to read Chapter 15, and then, as they say, history happens at an Uncle Waldo’s Boathouse and Rib joint in Memphis, Tennessee.
“Well, thank ya,thank you very much, now take care, Tex,” Elvis said.
Forged to their life long mission, after completing an exhaustive search, Professor Quan and Captain Lovins determined the ideal location for their lair was within the southeastern corridor of the United States, known as Appalachia. After they secretly acquired a vast track of land from a mining company that bought some of their unique diamond tipped drill bits, land that they had removed most of the mountaintop, Captain Lovins skillfully built the laboratory complex within a dead coalmine. The region’s forgotten inhabitants were made up of mob informants under witness protection, clannish hillbillies and their unlucky spawn. They ignored the mysterious alchemy going on up in the deep, dark, woods full of imagined magic fairies, giant Cyclops, and sinister leprechauns bouncing in and out of our dimension. And the new kids in the hills, a tough, bald headed soldier, and a ticked-off mad scientist. They happened to make drill bits for mining and excavation companies.
One fateful afternoon Professor Quan, with total commitment to his science, he extracted several pints of his own blood.
“Hate, stinking, needles,” Professor Quan said. He squirmed and held his breath. Using a rubber tourniquet, he penetrated his left arm near the elbow with a number three gauge needle attached to an evacuated collection tube. With a tiny sample, through his use of the Golden Ratio, he calculated the exact cross-linked polymer gel composition. He blasted the mesh network of polyacrylamide with a lightning bolt-like electrical current he had focused through the Hope Diamond. The intense beam of pure energy made the substance appear as if a massive earthquake shook the gel residue with hydrodynamic friction as if the earth’s surface had turned to grains of sand. He then stained a brilliant blue dye along the particle strip, which caused his individual molecules magically to appear. He then flooded the specimen with intense UV light and snapped a photo. Under a powerful optical microscope, he had customized to view below 200 nanometers; Professor Quan peered into the view lens. His vision blurred as he inspected his own genome. All of his genetic information stripped bare.
“I knew it!” Professor Quan said.
Nearby repairing Professor Quan’s autoclave, Captain Lovins rushed into the lab.
“What’s up?” Captain Lovins asked.
“I can map my DNA. I know where the genes hide,” Professor Quan said. His hands shook. “They can’t hide from me, I know how to find them. I don’t know exactly what they do, yet, but-”
“Amazing,” Captain Lovins said. He smacked Professor Quan on the left shoulder. Professor Quan webbled, but he did not wobble off his feet. Captain Lovins snapped his fingers.
“What do those hippies say?” Captain Lovins asked.
“Far-out man,” Professor Quan said. He and Captain Lovins cackled. “I did it, man.”
Captain Lovins glanced around the laboratory at the collection of scientific equipment.
“When do we attack?” Captain asked.
“First, we need an efficient delivery method?” Professor Quan said. He puckered his lips. “That’s my next trick, might take me some time, I can isolate genes, deliver them in an easy, simple way that will minimize detection. I know for certain I can alter IQ’s, I can use my profile to boost their IQ’s.”
“Good point,” Captain Lovins said. “Not just going to walk up, hey take this pill, it’ll help you get smart, sense evil.”
“Exactly,” Professor Quan said.
“Teach a child to fish,” Captain Lovins said.
“To fish for the light inside them,” Professor Quan said. “Boost their ability to absorb information, think critically.”
Sparked by his discovery, Professor Quan realized the main obstacle was to devise an efficient method of implanting maturing adolescents with his amazing DNA structure. Once inside a maturing human body, Professor Quan’s DNA would act like Epi genes. The new genes would simply swim through the blood stream and submerge into the human tissue, and find defective gene instructions, and simply overlay the targets helical structure like rungs along a twisted ladder.
For several weeks, he contemplated and searched his psyche for a simple answer to his dilemma. Late one night, unable to sleep, as he sprayed for bugs, an idea exploded within his supernatural brain as he carefully examined the spray canister.
“That’s it,” Professor Quan said. Sequence my genetic code using the Golden Ratio, blast it with the Hope Diamond. Infiltrate the specimen with unique blue light, like the uniqueness of a Blue Moon, he thought. It is all so simple now; create a biochemical reaction causing a unique peptide chain.
“Non-sexual, re-reproduction,” Professor Quan whispered.
“What’s wrong with you?” Captain Lovins said as he walked into the lab.
“Nothing, nothing to worry about-”
Professor Quan paced and circled his subterranean lair. He thought about all the infinite possibilities. However, he needed to set up an experiment to test his hypothesis. He watched Captain Lovins disappear into the elevator.
“A fireman, I know,” Professor Quan said. He snapped his fingers. “Every male’s dream, solve erectile dysfunction, forever.” He cryptically chuckled. He scampered over to his microscope. He scanned along his DNA helical strands. He located the exact gene he perceived affected his libido. He knew Captain Lovins had more testosterone than a sixteen-year-old Spanish bullfighter did.
After he made the exact calculations with the Golden Radio, he picked apart the genetic material like a Swiss Watch maker. He removed his gene and replaced a synthetic specimen gene from Captain Lovins’ DNA sample. He injected the liquid, mixed with a mild narcotic inside the spray cartridge, similar to an asthma inhaler with hydrofluoroalkanes to propel the liquefied material into a gaseous particle concoction.
Aware his brand of science would either alter his life or kill him, he reviewed each step from his experiments notes. He closed his eyes. He triggered the inhaler device into his mouth and allowed the spray to coat his pinkish tissue. He collapsed on his strata lounger. He waited.
Within a few moments, the potion caused Professor Quan to hibernate for several hours. When he awoke, he stalled. He played with his kaleidoscope. He whistled the Battle Hymn of the Republic. He knew he felt invigorated and a bit, weird. He stared up at the ceiling painted powder blue, dotted with wispy white clouds. He thought about a hot babe he knew from Briar Hill. He could clearly see her beautiful face. Then he took in a deep exaggerated breath, and peeked under his pants.
“Oh gracious, it works,” Professor Quan said. He pushed his horizontal flagpole to half-mast and scurried down a narrow dimly lit corridor. He scrambled into his genome therapy rooms.
The square shaped room had a lanky library ladder with rubber wheels attached to a golden slide. Four flat walls, taking account for the doorway, covered floor-to-ceiling with conical flasks. Each vessel sealed with a thin rubber membrane and identified in blue, red or black ink, with corresponding names, dates and numbers. Professor Quan glanced around the room. He tapped his lips with his forefinger.
“A cowboy with a slow Texas drawl,” Professor Quan whispered. “I always wanted to have a reason to wear my white Stetson Hat and lizard skin boots, let me think.” —
(I love satire.)